Ocram’s Blog

I guess I’ve got my answer of just how little I meant to her….

So why am I still losing sleep over it? :unsure: :hmm:

I guess in theory anyway… In practice, at least at the moment, it doesn’t feel like that -_-

Don’t get me wrong, I still love her… but I just feel empty right now… like I’ve been taken for a fool. :hmm:

To go from what I thought we had to… well, nothing, in such a short period of time… It just makes me question whether there was anything there to begin with… -_-

Maybe it’s just my paranoia, that I’m imagining it all, and it feels horrible not to trust her but, well… that’s just how I’m feeling. :unsure: I’ve felt like we’ve been drifting further and further apart for months now, but now is the first time I’ve felt like there is no turning back… :-( That, even though it makes no sense at all, she doesn’t want to speak to me anymore, but for whatever reason doesn’t want to say directly. :unsure:

I’m not going to say goodbye though… I guess because I really don’t want this to be the end… -_-

I came to the realisation a few weeks ago that I want to spend the rest of my life with her…

Even though it will never be that, I still feel that she is somebody that I want to have as a part of my life forever… even though it is only coming up to two years and a half years, I can’t imagine her not being there. :unsure:

A week without a working computer, and another two without the Internet. But I’m back, and more evil than ever. :P

I passed my theory test. ^_^ Hopefully I can pass the practical test by the end of the year, and then sit around imagining what it would be like if I could afford a car and the insurance.

Still no luck finding a job… I haven’t even been offered an interview yet. I never realised just how boring being unemployed could be. The novelty of lazing around the house wears off quickly. Very quickly. It was different after the end of term, because there would at least be somebody around, but now everybody is either at university or working, there isn’t really anything to do.

If somebody is looking to go on holiday and wants somebody to go with, I’m readily available. :innocent:

Well… that’s pretty much a summary of my last three weeks. Kind of depressing if you think about it. :ermm:

So, um, back to the ongoing theme I guess:

Your husband is extremely lucky to have you, and I can only hope to one day find somebody like you.

I know it sounds bizarre, but I almost want to say goodbye if only to say that line. It is the perfect encapsulation of how I feel in a single sentence. Well, at least it seems that way at the moment…

And no, I haven’t started writing anything yet. That’s just something which came to me one night. I guess I’m just keeping it should I ever need it in the future.

In fact… I’ve been thinking… maybe it isn’t such a good idea to say goodbye after all. To have somebody who I trust completely, who I feel comfortable telling (almost) anything to, that sense of… disconnect, I guess… that whatever I share is practically without repercussions, maybe it isn’t such a bad idea. Even if most of the conversation is just small talk, to know that there is always somebody that I can turn to… maybe that’s what everybody needs.

(Unfortunately) there’s another train of thought which follows this. If you are really defined by the actions of others, and there is no action that could really affect me, does that make it all meaningless? I don’t just want somebody who is there for me to spill my guts to. (that’s what this is for ;)) Even then, there are always things that I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with somebody unless I could tell them in person. To be able to actually tell what they are thinking… to actually be able to express real sympathy or compassion, instead of trying to translate actions into words. Likewise, there are also things that I just would only feel comfortable asking in person, for the aforementioned reasons. But like I said, that isn’t all a friendship should be about, at least in my eyes. To take the good times with the bad. But what good times could there even be? Add to that all these feelings that I’m never going to be able to properly realise, never being able to know what they really are, what they really mean or how deep they are.

But if it is meaningless, then is the thought of saying goodbye so hard? Why does it hurt so much to think that it will really be the end… that perhaps I’ve already lost whatever was there for me… that perhaps there never was anything there to have in the first place? Why did I end up in tears half way through writing this? And I know this time that if I do say goodbye it will really have to be the last time… no matter in the future I want otherwise, because of all the pain and heartache it has caused this time round. To be honest at the moment I don’t even think that I could bring myself to say goodbye at the moment, even months after saying goodbye (the first time, I guess… :unsure:) I couldn’t bring myself to accept that that was really the end. But unfortunately I don’t feel that there is really anything to lose this time… -_-

I realise that now I should, I don’t know, just copy & paste and send this to her… but like I said, there are just some things that you need to say in person and that’s a chance I’ll never get.

Maybe true friends are the ones you rarely hear from. Or maybe that’s just a lyric in the song I’m listening to at the moment. :pinch:

With that I think I’ve practically written my goodbye already… -_- and it’s left me feeling more confused than ever… what do I do? :unsure:

A couple of days after I posted this, I had pretty much accepted that I would be in this situation again, and now I’m just hoping to find a reason to change my mind.

I was hoping this time to show that saying goodbye before was a mistake and that it wasn’t worth losing a friend over… I’m not even sure how to put it anymore, but unfortunately at the moment it really doesn’t feel like it. I know I can’t expect things to be like before, especially with everything that’s going on, and I don’t expect that they will ever be the same again, but there has been hardly any contact at all… a few e-mails exchanged… but apart from that, everything else just seems like polite conversation, small talk if you will.

I know I could and should make the first move… but with me that just isn’t happening. I know it sounds stupid, and you could argue that if it really meant that much to me I would do it, but I can’t just sit down and come up with something without anything to work with.

Or maybe it isn’t that… Maybe the underlying problem is that after thinking and hoping that there may have been a chance for something more; that the feelings that I felt (feel?) were reciprocated; after actually thinking that I might have fallen in love with this women, and ultimately everything that I felt and thought meant nothing… that however much I want to, I can’t accept that all we’ll ever be is friends, and with the way things seem to be at the moment not even particularly close… In that case I really don’t know if there is anything that I can do… doomed from the start as I so aptly put it at some time in the past that I can only vaguely remember. :rolleyes:

I guess the other problem is that after having said goodbye once, there isn’t really anything left to say… apart from those 3 (in this case 4) words, but of all the things to say to a person for what is theoretically the last time, out of place doesn’t really begin to cover it. :hmm:

At this point I feel the need to reiterate that I don’t want to lose the friendship that in the past was so important to me, to lose contact with the person who did and still does mean so much to me, but I don’t feel that things are the same as before. I know it is completely selfish, and I feel like a complete bastard for even thinking this, but at this point I don’t think that it is worth the pain that it’s causing me…

Hmm… maybe there’ll be a third post with everything that I’ve been too embarrassed/uncomfortable with to post up to now, along with the cure for cancer and the secret of eternal life.

Maybe.

I don’t know if I can keep doing this to myself… :unsure:

This probably won’t make any sense to anyone, (if anyone actually reads this… ) but that’s because there is so much that I either don’t feel comfortable posting, or am too embarrassed to post. (aren’t they essentially the same thing? :huh:)

Anyway… I was hoping that maybe things would be easier this time round… but it’s been almost a month, and I’m feeling exactly as I did before, perhaps even worse.

Don’t get me wrong: I really, really don’t want to lose this friendship. But if I’m going to be feeling like this every day, I have to question whether it is really worth it. On the other hand, things weren’t exactly much better when I thought that I would never hear from her again.

On the third hand, (I’ve mutated recently :rolleyes:) maybe over time it would get easier… although that argument could really apply to both.

And my apparent penchant for unanswerable (or, perhaps more accurately, unaskable) questions really doesn’t help things either. :hmm:

I didn’t want to post this at first… for of jinxing it, I guess. But as nobody actually reads this, I figure I’ll be safe.

Yet again, birthdays have saved the day. :rolleyes:

Ok… so it’s not how I originally hoped things would turn out… but in any case, it’s better than nothing. As I said before, I will be more than happy if in the end we end up with this friendship. Then again, the last time I said that… :think:

It has helped to answer at least some of my questions, and clear up some doubts. I now know that the friendship is what I missed most and by the fact that she e-mailed me in the first place, that must mean that I mean something to her.

It’s funny… Until I got her e-mail I had absolutely no idea what to say, but when I had the chance, the words were just there. As always, there were things that I wanted to say but didn’t, and that I thought of to say after I had replied, but I guess what I said was enough.

Of course, the inevitable questions still remain: Had I said/done things differently, would the situation still be the same? Or different, and in that case for better or for worse? Was there ever any chance at all, or was it all just a hopeless dream?

So I couldn’t say what I wanted to… maybe that’s for the best? I guess only time will tell. :unsure:

when to stop talking… -_-

I can’t even find the right words to open with. :hmm:

There is so much that I want to say, and that I feel I need to say, but nothing ever seems right. In a way, I guess I’m scared of saying it - it’s not exactly the kind of thing to say when you’re trying to reestablish a friendship, especially given the past - but I need to get it off my chest. Otherwise I don’t see how things will be different this time round.

Add to that I’m not even sure that it’s a good idea in the first place, and I’m having more than a little trouble trying to find the words to say.

Birthdays need to happen more often. :rolleyes: