Ocram’s Blog

I guess I’ve got my answer of just how little I meant to her….

So why am I still losing sleep over it? :unsure: :hmm:

I guess in theory anyway… In practice, at least at the moment, it doesn’t feel like that -_-

Don’t get me wrong, I still love her… but I just feel empty right now… like I’ve been taken for a fool. :hmm:

To go from what I thought we had to… well, nothing, in such a short period of time… It just makes me question whether there was anything there to begin with… -_-

Maybe it’s just my paranoia, that I’m imagining it all, and it feels horrible not to trust her but, well… that’s just how I’m feeling. :unsure: I’ve felt like we’ve been drifting further and further apart for months now, but now is the first time I’ve felt like there is no turning back… :-( That, even though it makes no sense at all, she doesn’t want to speak to me anymore, but for whatever reason doesn’t want to say directly. :unsure:

I’m not going to say goodbye though… I guess because I really don’t want this to be the end… -_-

I came to the realisation a few weeks ago that I want to spend the rest of my life with her…

Even though it will never be that, I still feel that she is somebody that I want to have as a part of my life forever… even though it is only coming up to two years and a half years, I can’t imagine her not being there. :unsure:

A week without a working computer, and another two without the Internet. But I’m back, and more evil than ever. :P

I passed my theory test. ^_^ Hopefully I can pass the practical test by the end of the year, and then sit around imagining what it would be like if I could afford a car and the insurance.

Still no luck finding a job… I haven’t even been offered an interview yet. I never realised just how boring being unemployed could be. The novelty of lazing around the house wears off quickly. Very quickly. It was different after the end of term, because there would at least be somebody around, but now everybody is either at university or working, there isn’t really anything to do.

If somebody is looking to go on holiday and wants somebody to go with, I’m readily available. :innocent:

Well… that’s pretty much a summary of my last three weeks. Kind of depressing if you think about it. :ermm:

So, um, back to the ongoing theme I guess:

Your husband is extremely lucky to have you, and I can only hope to one day find somebody like you.

I know it sounds bizarre, but I almost want to say goodbye if only to say that line. It is the perfect encapsulation of how I feel in a single sentence. Well, at least it seems that way at the moment…

And no, I haven’t started writing anything yet. That’s just something which came to me one night. I guess I’m just keeping it should I ever need it in the future.

In fact… I’ve been thinking… maybe it isn’t such a good idea to say goodbye after all. To have somebody who I trust completely, who I feel comfortable telling (almost) anything to, that sense of… disconnect, I guess… that whatever I share is practically without repercussions, maybe it isn’t such a bad idea. Even if most of the conversation is just small talk, to know that there is always somebody that I can turn to… maybe that’s what everybody needs.

(Unfortunately) there’s another train of thought which follows this. If you are really defined by the actions of others, and there is no action that could really affect me, does that make it all meaningless? I don’t just want somebody who is there for me to spill my guts to. (that’s what this is for ;)) Even then, there are always things that I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with somebody unless I could tell them in person. To be able to actually tell what they are thinking… to actually be able to express real sympathy or compassion, instead of trying to translate actions into words. Likewise, there are also things that I just would only feel comfortable asking in person, for the aforementioned reasons. But like I said, that isn’t all a friendship should be about, at least in my eyes. To take the good times with the bad. But what good times could there even be? Add to that all these feelings that I’m never going to be able to properly realise, never being able to know what they really are, what they really mean or how deep they are.

But if it is meaningless, then is the thought of saying goodbye so hard? Why does it hurt so much to think that it will really be the end… that perhaps I’ve already lost whatever was there for me… that perhaps there never was anything there to have in the first place? Why did I end up in tears half way through writing this? And I know this time that if I do say goodbye it will really have to be the last time… no matter in the future I want otherwise, because of all the pain and heartache it has caused this time round. To be honest at the moment I don’t even think that I could bring myself to say goodbye at the moment, even months after saying goodbye (the first time, I guess… :unsure:) I couldn’t bring myself to accept that that was really the end. But unfortunately I don’t feel that there is really anything to lose this time… -_-

I realise that now I should, I don’t know, just copy & paste and send this to her… but like I said, there are just some things that you need to say in person and that’s a chance I’ll never get.

Maybe true friends are the ones you rarely hear from. Or maybe that’s just a lyric in the song I’m listening to at the moment. :pinch:

With that I think I’ve practically written my goodbye already… -_- and it’s left me feeling more confused than ever… what do I do? :unsure:

I didn’t want to post this at first… for of jinxing it, I guess. But as nobody actually reads this, I figure I’ll be safe.

Yet again, birthdays have saved the day. :rolleyes:

Ok… so it’s not how I originally hoped things would turn out… but in any case, it’s better than nothing. As I said before, I will be more than happy if in the end we end up with this friendship. Then again, the last time I said that… :think:

It has helped to answer at least some of my questions, and clear up some doubts. I now know that the friendship is what I missed most and by the fact that she e-mailed me in the first place, that must mean that I mean something to her.

It’s funny… Until I got her e-mail I had absolutely no idea what to say, but when I had the chance, the words were just there. As always, there were things that I wanted to say but didn’t, and that I thought of to say after I had replied, but I guess what I said was enough.

Of course, the inevitable questions still remain: Had I said/done things differently, would the situation still be the same? Or different, and in that case for better or for worse? Was there ever any chance at all, or was it all just a hopeless dream?

So I couldn’t say what I wanted to… maybe that’s for the best? I guess only time will tell. :unsure:

So, I recieved my A-level results last week and they were, the only way I can think to put it, bad. I got a B in Computing, and a D in Physics and Maths.

Do those really reflect my abilities? I don’t think so. (although I may be slightly biased. :P)

I got an A* in Maths at GCSE, which means in two years my ability has decreased to a D. How does that make sense? The one way that I can explain it is by the teaching ability. My teacher from Year 8 to Year 11 was much better than the one I had in Year 12. In Year 13, everything is building on previous knowledge, which was lacking. As a result, my overall grade dropped significantly.

The grades in my statistics exams (which was taught by a different teacher in Year 12 than the ‘core’ maths) were a B overall, which seems to reflect my beliefs.

Physics: The first time that I took my module 1 exam, I got a U. Obviously, I chose to retake that exam. In the Spring of this year, I got a B. This was for the most part, self taught with a little help from friends.

I chose the three subjects (four, if you count Psychology) because they all interest me. Unlike (at least, I think) most people, who choose subjects based on what career they want. (read what will make them the most money.) Most people I have spoke to took Psychology as a ‘filler’ subject, as something that was considered an easy A. I dropped it within a month because the teacher just seemed to have absolutely no interest in teaching.

I believe that the whole examination process is flawed. It relys on coursework and/or exams, which focus on a small subset of the overall subject. Results are (heavily?) influenced by teachers and and what basically results to pot luck. If a person is particularly nervous, it may be harder to concentrate in an exam. With a basic knowledge of any subject and a lot of revision, a high grade would probably be attainable. I am not a big fan of revision, I find it had to sit there and concentrate, and end up giving up when I find any excuse to.

Being the morbidly curious person that I am, I have to wonder how many students commit suicide because they feel that they haven’t achieved their goals, and their life is now over…

For the past few days, I’ve been experiencing a sharp pain in the left side of my head. After a few minutes, it subsides to a dull headache which lasts for anywhere from 15 minutes to an hour. As far as I can tell there is no common cause. :unsure:

This isn’t the first time, about 6 months the same thing happened, but stopped after a fortnight or so. :ermm:

I can’t even find the right words to open with. :hmm:

There is so much that I want to say, and that I feel I need to say, but nothing ever seems right. In a way, I guess I’m scared of saying it - it’s not exactly the kind of thing to say when you’re trying to reestablish a friendship, especially given the past - but I need to get it off my chest. Otherwise I don’t see how things will be different this time round.

Add to that I’m not even sure that it’s a good idea in the first place, and I’m having more than a little trouble trying to find the words to say.

Birthdays need to happen more often. :rolleyes:

I still don’t know what to say to you, or whether it’s a good idea to get back in touch at all.

We hadn’t spoken for a month when I said goodbye, so why didn’t I feel like this then? :unsure: If I’d have known how much I would be missing you, I wouldn’t have done it in the first place. But now that I have, is there really anything I can say to take it all back?

It would be so much easier if you were to make the first move, but why would you? It was me who said goodbye.

Which gets me back to my original (unposted :rolleyes:) thought: There are times when I wish I didn’t think so much, and times when I wish I thought things through more.

Some combination of that would be just perfect. At the right times of course.