The Sequel
A couple of days after I posted this, I had pretty much accepted that I would be in this situation again, and now I’m just hoping to find a reason to change my mind.
I was hoping this time to show that saying goodbye before was a mistake and that it wasn’t worth losing a friend over… I’m not even sure how to put it anymore, but unfortunately at the moment it really doesn’t feel like it. I know I can’t expect things to be like before, especially with everything that’s going on, and I don’t expect that they will ever be the same again, but there has been hardly any contact at all… a few e-mails exchanged… but apart from that, everything else just seems like polite conversation, small talk if you will.
I know I could and should make the first move… but with me that just isn’t happening. I know it sounds stupid, and you could argue that if it really meant that much to me I would do it, but I can’t just sit down and come up with something without anything to work with.
Or maybe it isn’t that… Maybe the underlying problem is that after thinking and hoping that there may have been a chance for something more; that the feelings that I felt (feel?) were reciprocated; after actually thinking that I might have fallen in love with this women, and ultimately everything that I felt and thought meant nothing… that however much I want to, I can’t accept that all we’ll ever be is friends, and with the way things seem to be at the moment not even particularly close… In that case I really don’t know if there is anything that I can do… doomed from the start as I so aptly put it at some time in the past that I can only vaguely remember. :rolleyes:
I guess the other problem is that after having said goodbye once, there isn’t really anything left to say… apart from those 3 (in this case 4) words, but of all the things to say to a person for what is theoretically the last time, out of place doesn’t really begin to cover it. :hmm:
At this point I feel the need to reiterate that I don’t want to lose the friendship that in the past was so important to me, to lose contact with the person who did and still does mean so much to me, but I don’t feel that things are the same as before. I know it is completely selfish, and I feel like a complete bastard for even thinking this, but at this point I don’t think that it is worth the pain that it’s causing me…
Hmm… maybe there’ll be a third post with everything that I’ve been too embarrassed/uncomfortable with to post up to now, along with the cure for cancer and the secret of eternal life.
Maybe.