Another perspective…
A week without a working computer, and another two without the Internet. But I’m back, and more evil than ever. :P
I passed my theory test. ^_^ Hopefully I can pass the practical test by the end of the year, and then sit around imagining what it would be like if I could afford a car and the insurance.
Still no luck finding a job… I haven’t even been offered an interview yet. 
I never realised just how boring being unemployed could be. The novelty of lazing around the house wears off quickly. Very quickly. It was different after the end of term, because there would at least be somebody around, but now everybody is either at university or working, there isn’t really anything to do.
If somebody is looking to go on holiday and wants somebody to go with, I’m readily available. :innocent:
Well… that’s pretty much a summary of my last three weeks. Kind of depressing if you think about it. :ermm:
So, um, back to the ongoing theme I guess:
Your husband is extremely lucky to have you, and I can only hope to one day find somebody like you.
I know it sounds bizarre, but I almost want to say goodbye if only to say that line. It is the perfect encapsulation of how I feel in a single sentence. Well, at least it seems that way at the moment…
And no, I haven’t started writing anything yet. That’s just something which came to me one night. I guess I’m just keeping it should I ever need it in the future. 
In fact… I’ve been thinking… maybe it isn’t such a good idea to say goodbye after all. To have somebody who I trust completely, who I feel comfortable telling (almost) anything to, that sense of… disconnect, I guess… that whatever I share is practically without repercussions, maybe it isn’t such a bad idea. Even if most of the conversation is just small talk, to know that there is always somebody that I can turn to… maybe that’s what everybody needs.
(Unfortunately) there’s another train of thought which follows this. If you are really defined by the actions of others, and there is no action that could really affect me, does that make it all meaningless? I don’t just want somebody who is there for me to spill my guts to. (that’s what this is for ;)) Even then, there are always things that I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with somebody unless I could tell them in person. To be able to actually tell what they are thinking… to actually be able to express real sympathy or compassion, instead of trying to translate actions into words. Likewise, there are also things that I just would only feel comfortable asking in person, for the aforementioned reasons. But like I said, that isn’t all a friendship should be about, at least in my eyes. To take the good times with the bad. But what good times could there even be? Add to that all these feelings that I’m never going to be able to properly realise, never being able to know what they really are, what they really mean or how deep they are.
But if it is meaningless, then is the thought of saying goodbye so hard? Why does it hurt so much to think that it will really be the end… that perhaps I’ve already lost whatever was there for me… that perhaps there never was anything there to have in the first place? Why did I end up in tears half way through writing this? And I know this time that if I do say goodbye it will really have to be the last time… no matter in the future I want otherwise, because of all the pain and heartache it has caused this time round. To be honest at the moment I don’t even think that I could bring myself to say goodbye at the moment, even months after saying goodbye (the first time, I guess… :unsure:) I couldn’t bring myself to accept that that was really the end. But unfortunately I don’t feel that there is really anything to lose this time… -_-
I realise that now I should, I don’t know, just copy & paste and send this to her… but like I said, there are just some things that you need to say in person and that’s a chance I’ll never get.
Maybe true friends are the ones you rarely hear from. Or maybe that’s just a lyric in the song I’m listening to at the moment. :pinch:
With that I think I’ve practically written my goodbye already… -_- and it’s left me feeling more confused than ever… what do I do? :unsure: