Ocram’s Blog

A week without a working computer, and another two without the Internet. But I’m back, and more evil than ever. :P

I passed my theory test. ^_^ Hopefully I can pass the practical test by the end of the year, and then sit around imagining what it would be like if I could afford a car and the insurance.

Still no luck finding a job… I haven’t even been offered an interview yet. I never realised just how boring being unemployed could be. The novelty of lazing around the house wears off quickly. Very quickly. It was different after the end of term, because there would at least be somebody around, but now everybody is either at university or working, there isn’t really anything to do.

If somebody is looking to go on holiday and wants somebody to go with, I’m readily available. :innocent:

Well… that’s pretty much a summary of my last three weeks. Kind of depressing if you think about it. :ermm:

So, um, back to the ongoing theme I guess:

Your husband is extremely lucky to have you, and I can only hope to one day find somebody like you.

I know it sounds bizarre, but I almost want to say goodbye if only to say that line. It is the perfect encapsulation of how I feel in a single sentence. Well, at least it seems that way at the moment…

And no, I haven’t started writing anything yet. That’s just something which came to me one night. I guess I’m just keeping it should I ever need it in the future.

In fact… I’ve been thinking… maybe it isn’t such a good idea to say goodbye after all. To have somebody who I trust completely, who I feel comfortable telling (almost) anything to, that sense of… disconnect, I guess… that whatever I share is practically without repercussions, maybe it isn’t such a bad idea. Even if most of the conversation is just small talk, to know that there is always somebody that I can turn to… maybe that’s what everybody needs.

(Unfortunately) there’s another train of thought which follows this. If you are really defined by the actions of others, and there is no action that could really affect me, does that make it all meaningless? I don’t just want somebody who is there for me to spill my guts to. (that’s what this is for ;)) Even then, there are always things that I wouldn’t feel comfortable sharing with somebody unless I could tell them in person. To be able to actually tell what they are thinking… to actually be able to express real sympathy or compassion, instead of trying to translate actions into words. Likewise, there are also things that I just would only feel comfortable asking in person, for the aforementioned reasons. But like I said, that isn’t all a friendship should be about, at least in my eyes. To take the good times with the bad. But what good times could there even be? Add to that all these feelings that I’m never going to be able to properly realise, never being able to know what they really are, what they really mean or how deep they are.

But if it is meaningless, then is the thought of saying goodbye so hard? Why does it hurt so much to think that it will really be the end… that perhaps I’ve already lost whatever was there for me… that perhaps there never was anything there to have in the first place? Why did I end up in tears half way through writing this? And I know this time that if I do say goodbye it will really have to be the last time… no matter in the future I want otherwise, because of all the pain and heartache it has caused this time round. To be honest at the moment I don’t even think that I could bring myself to say goodbye at the moment, even months after saying goodbye (the first time, I guess… :unsure:) I couldn’t bring myself to accept that that was really the end. But unfortunately I don’t feel that there is really anything to lose this time… -_-

I realise that now I should, I don’t know, just copy & paste and send this to her… but like I said, there are just some things that you need to say in person and that’s a chance I’ll never get.

Maybe true friends are the ones you rarely hear from. Or maybe that’s just a lyric in the song I’m listening to at the moment. :pinch:

With that I think I’ve practically written my goodbye already… -_- and it’s left me feeling more confused than ever… what do I do? :unsure:

A couple of days after I posted this, I had pretty much accepted that I would be in this situation again, and now I’m just hoping to find a reason to change my mind.

I was hoping this time to show that saying goodbye before was a mistake and that it wasn’t worth losing a friend over… I’m not even sure how to put it anymore, but unfortunately at the moment it really doesn’t feel like it. I know I can’t expect things to be like before, especially with everything that’s going on, and I don’t expect that they will ever be the same again, but there has been hardly any contact at all… a few e-mails exchanged… but apart from that, everything else just seems like polite conversation, small talk if you will.

I know I could and should make the first move… but with me that just isn’t happening. I know it sounds stupid, and you could argue that if it really meant that much to me I would do it, but I can’t just sit down and come up with something without anything to work with.

Or maybe it isn’t that… Maybe the underlying problem is that after thinking and hoping that there may have been a chance for something more; that the feelings that I felt (feel?) were reciprocated; after actually thinking that I might have fallen in love with this women, and ultimately everything that I felt and thought meant nothing… that however much I want to, I can’t accept that all we’ll ever be is friends, and with the way things seem to be at the moment not even particularly close… In that case I really don’t know if there is anything that I can do… doomed from the start as I so aptly put it at some time in the past that I can only vaguely remember. :rolleyes:

I guess the other problem is that after having said goodbye once, there isn’t really anything left to say… apart from those 3 (in this case 4) words, but of all the things to say to a person for what is theoretically the last time, out of place doesn’t really begin to cover it. :hmm:

At this point I feel the need to reiterate that I don’t want to lose the friendship that in the past was so important to me, to lose contact with the person who did and still does mean so much to me, but I don’t feel that things are the same as before. I know it is completely selfish, and I feel like a complete bastard for even thinking this, but at this point I don’t think that it is worth the pain that it’s causing me…

Hmm… maybe there’ll be a third post with everything that I’ve been too embarrassed/uncomfortable with to post up to now, along with the cure for cancer and the secret of eternal life.

Maybe.

Well… almost two months since I started, my X-Files marathon is finally complete (although in the end it was really a brisk walk at best.) I have watched all 201, or 2 days 21 hours worth of episodes in seqential order, and all that is left is the (hopefully first) movie, Fight the Future.

So… now I need another pointless goal in order to forget the misery and monotony of life. I’m thinking making sure that I’ve listened to every track in my music collection. The only problem is, I have over 3000 tracks, or 8 days of music, of which 1200 tracks (3 days 5 hours) I haven’t listened to.

This is going to be fun. :rolleyes:

While it may have generated thought provoking discussion a few months ago, there is no longer anybody to debate with, especially at 1 AM. On the other hand it means I get to share it with you, my dearly beloved reader. :wub: That, and nobody can tell me that I’m wrong. ^_^

I have no fundamental problem with abortion as a whole, I believe that it is justified in certain cases and that ultimately it is the choice of the mother whether or not to continue the pregnancy. (I do believe however that 24 weeks, the current limit for abortions in the UK is leaving it too late.)

However, my one fear is abortion being used as a form of birth control. One alternative is adoption, which ultimately allows you the chance to change your mind, and if not then a couple who are unable to conceive for whatever reason still can benefit… I guess in a way adoption is favourable.

I consider myself tolerant of other beliefs, religious or otherwise (as long as they aren’t attempting to shove their opinion down my throat as the indisputable truth, and are likewise respectful of my position.) I mean, I can’t disprove the existence of a higher being anymore than they can prove it. I can understand why you could consider life to begin at the moment of conception, however (unfortunately ;)) the situation isn’t always clear cut.

Personally, I don’t think that I could ever decide to do either, and I hope to never be in a situation where I have to do so.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for now… this post wasn’t as long as I originally planned. :ermm:

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From 1 October 2006, new laws protect workers from age discrimination. The Employment Equality (Age) Regulations make it illegal for employers to discriminate against employees, trainees or job seekers because of their age and ensure that all workers, regardless of age, have the same rights in terms of training and promotion

Employment Equality (Age) Regulations

From everything that I’ve read, this law seems to be aimed at preventing discrimination against older people. OK, that’s great, but what about younger people? I’m currently looking for a job, and about half of the positions I’ve looked at have contained something in reference to experience. Who is least likely to have experience? School leavers, for instance.

In society’s effort to give everybody an equal opportunity, have we in fact begun to discriminate against the majority? I’m sure that this law and laws like this were written/passed with the best of intentions, but combine political correctness with the complete incompetence of the government, and they only seem to shift the discrimination from one group to another. And, like laws to ‘prevent terrorism’ and ‘protect the children’, who wants to be the person who objects to them?

This story comes to mind when talking about discrimination. The guy was refused the position because of the colour of his skin as a result of a law which was supposed to prevent discrimination. Isn’t that the fucking definition of discrimination? But, he was white, so it must be OK?

Don’t get me wrong, I have the greatest respect for Nelson Mandela, Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King and anybody who has stood up for the right to be treated as equals. I think that discrimination on any grounds (race, gender, religion, age, sexual orientation, etc… ) is a disgusting practice, but it seems to me that most laws actually seem to have the adverse effect, and end up discriminating against the majority. In most situations, the above traits are irrelevant, and should not be considered. However, there are positions where certain traits are advantageous. I am hardly suited to becoming a priest, and anybody to suggest otherwise is a moron. If I am refused that position simply because I am not religious, is that discrimination? I would say no, but it would not surprise me if I could sue the church for turning me down because of that. And damn it, if everybody else gets an equal opportunity, I want one too!

I’m a white, agnostic, heterosexual male aged 18-35. Is it actually possible for me to be discriminated against? In the eyes of the law, I suspect not.