Ocram’s Blog

I just need to take a few moments to write down some of my thoughts.

Two months ago, I said that I would have been happy if the relationship had amounted to nothing more than a friendship. But last week, that was exactly what I said goodbye to. :ermm:

I guess the final nail in the metaphorical coffin was when she told me she was pregnant. As a friend I should have been happy for her, but I wasn’t, and that made me feel horrible. It was only a few weeks later, when my sister was born, that I realised why. I was jealous. Not just that I was hoping that the relationship might amount to something more, I’d known that for months. But it was only then that I realised that all I wanted to be was a father. :unsure:

This is the second important person in my life who I’ve lost (although, this time it was completely my fault. -_-)

The first, Justin, my closest friend up until he moved away at the beginning of 2005. He is, without doubt, the single greatest influence on my life which, in retrospect, could be considered rather worrying. :P Joking aside, we had some great, and some random times. Like all friends, we fell out at times, and in the last few months before he left we started to grow apart, but I owe a lot to him, and he was one of two people who I would have trusted with anything.

The other person? You guessed it. I’m starting to see a pattern emerging here. :think:

But this time, things were different. For a start, there was over an eleven (assuming that I can count :huh:) year age difference (which she didn’t know at first). Despite everything, we managed to forge a friendship.

Then I told her that I had fallen for her and it is at that point, in my opinion, that the fate was sealed. Who the hell falls for a married woman, and then tells her that you’ve fallen for her? :blink:

What happened between then and now is irrelevant, at the beginning of May she told me she was pregnant, and last week I e-mailed her to say goodbye. And the end result? Me feeling alone, and regretting that I ever said anything, and wishing I hadn’t said goodbye.

On a related note, my parents have been going on at me since before I finished school about my future. My mum wants me to get out to work, and my dad wants me to attend university. All I want at the moment is to spend as much of the summer without thinking about it. Up until last year, I wanted to go to uni and study Computer Studies. This year though, I’ve just got so tired of studying that I decided that 13 years of education was more than enough for me at the moment, and I can’t help but feel that he was disappointed when I told him that I wasn’t applying to university this year. I’m sure they’ll both be overjoyed if I told them that all I want is a family. :rolleyes:

There are so many questions going through my head at the moment: Is there any more I could have done? Should I have done anything differently? And the one that has been playing on my mind for months: Is it possible to fall in love with somebody who you’ve never met? :unsure:

In any case, I guess this is just destined to become another life long regret, of which I already have a fair few… :hmm:

This entry was posted on Saturday, July 8th, 2006 at 9:53 pm and is filed under Personal, Relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.