Ocram’s Blog

I have written (or, more accurately, half written) around half a dozen posts in the past month that I never finished, either because I either couldn’t think of how to finish them, or because I couldn’t be bothered to finish them. But for now, I feel another brain dump is in order. :P

It has now been a month since I said goodbye, and almost three months since we had anything that remotely resembles a conversation, and I still can’t stop thinking about her. :unsure:

I know this sounds bizarre, it doesn’t make any sense whatsoever to me, but the whole thing just feels like unfinished business – things finished on good terms – at least in my eyes, that shouldn’t happen. Surely things are only truly finished when you can no longer stand the company of each other?

Have I done the wrong thing? And by doing that, have I in fact closed the door on a chance to do undo it? I guess there is no real way of being able to answer that without some kind of foresight, which I unfortunately lack.

There are so many things that I don’t know and questions that I haven’t had the chance to ask, but many of them I would only feel comfortable asking somebody in person which, realistically, I’m not going to get a chance to do regardless of what I choose to do at this point.

I’m not going to even attempt to kid myself. I know at this point I’m ultimately trying to decide whether I can forego my feelings for her so that we might even have a chance at a friendship. Based on past evidence I know that isn’t going to work, but now that I can feel the actual effects of such a decision it makes me wonder if I could do so if I tried harder.

There has been one thing that has haunted me throughout all this – The opinion of the only person I’ve told about her.

I can’t remember it word for word, but the crux of their response was:

On the Internet, you are effectively entirely anonymous. You can say anything, and be anybody, because you are held accountable to no-one.

At the time, I dismissed it without thought. I thought I knew her better than that, and I still hope I do.

In my vain attempt to try and answer some of the questions myself, I’ve read through every e-mail that has been sent that I still have a copy of. Of course, that had to raise more questions that it answered. :rolleyes:

There was one thing that I came across that really stuck in my mind. I won’t post the entire e-mail for two reasons: I don’t want to be the cause of any problems, even if the minute probability of somebody she knows reads this, and the even smaller probability that they figure out it is her. Secondly, well, I wouldn’t want anybody to do the same to me. So, with that in mind, here it is:

I really do wish things were different.

My first reaction when I originally received it was “If you really mean that, then you’re completely within your power to change it.” I would never say that to her, and especially not at that time, I was afraid of losing what little we had. Unfortunately, without the rest of the e-mail you can’t put the quote into perspective, but I think my point holds well anyway.

Maybe because I’ve never been married, I don’t understand what it would be like to give that up. But perhaps this is one of those things that I should have done differently. Because I’ve held back on so many of the questions that I’ve had, I don’t know how things ever really stood between us, and as a result I have so many doubts now, and am unable to let go.

Reading through everything that was said, there are plenty of things to support both sides of the argument. I would love to be the optimist at this point, but since September I’ve learnt that it probably isn’t the the best position to take. The problem is that so many of the against arguments are easy to refute without anybody to support them.

Now, I’m just afraid that the first time that I have ever felt this way (of which I am still not completely sure what ‘this way’ is) about somebody, that it didn’t really mean anything to them at all.

So the main questions at the moment: Do I try to re-establish a friendship? If so, what exactly do I say? “Hi! Do you remember everything I told you about how I felt about you, and not being able to completely ignore those feelings? Turns out it was all one big lie.” Or have I completely blown my chances by now? What of what has been said has been true in the first place?

Before I do anything, I have to figure out a couple of things. Will just a friendship work? My instincts, as well as past experience, tells me no. Things were awkward, to put it lightly, for the past two months leading up to the time when she told me she was pregnant. We were both holding back on what we said for fear of saying something ‘wrong’, or just flat out didn’t know what to say at all. Also, what more important – the friendship, or the possibility of a relationship? If it is truly the former, then I have to accept that a friendship is all that it will ever be, which has been the problem which has ultimately lead me to where I am today. I’ve known it for months, it has been said by both many times, but I just haven’t been able to accept it.

One thing is clear though. If we do start talking again, more honesty is in order. Not only to prevent this, but when there was evidently something on her mind, and she either dismissed it as nothing, or couldn’t/wouldn’t tell me, that hurt. While, in all likelihood, there is nothing I could do about it, (allegedly) a problem shared is a problem halved. Of course, that applies the other way around as well.

I fear that every day that passes when I don’t make a decision, that the chance of reestablishing anything is fading.

It’s a strange feeling at the moment. On the one hand, I want her to read this, and tell me how wrong I am. At least then maybe that would finally be ‘closure’, when she tells me that she can’t believe that I could mistrust her like that. On the other hand, I don’t want to post this in case she reads it and the aforementioned happens, or even worse, what I’ve said is true… but why? It’s like I have anything more to lose…

However, if you do read this, I want you to know that I meant everything I’ve said to you. If I don’t get back in touch with you – I don’t have a particularly elegant way with words, and usually don’t find the right words to say until I’ve already said them, :hmm: as well as it being a contradiction^[1] to say while saying goodbye – but if you ever need a friend or just someone to talk to, you know I’ll always be here for you. Regardless of how long it’s been.

On the plus side, I’ve managed to answer my previous question. It doesn’t matter whether you can fall in love with somebody you’ve never met. -_-

And that is that. My next post won’t be a random outpouring of emotions. I promise.

Actually, this whole thing is rather strange. There is nobody in my life who I would tell any of this to, and yet I have no problem posting it here for the whole world to read. Probably contributing to my own downfall.

Oh well… :hmm:

I just need to take a few moments to write down some of my thoughts.

Two months ago, I said that I would have been happy if the relationship had amounted to nothing more than a friendship. But last week, that was exactly what I said goodbye to. :ermm:

I guess the final nail in the metaphorical coffin was when she told me she was pregnant. As a friend I should have been happy for her, but I wasn’t, and that made me feel horrible. It was only a few weeks later, when my sister was born, that I realised why. I was jealous. Not just that I was hoping that the relationship might amount to something more, I’d known that for months. But it was only then that I realised that all I wanted to be was a father. :unsure:

This is the second important person in my life who I’ve lost (although, this time it was completely my fault. -_-)

The first, Justin, my closest friend up until he moved away at the beginning of 2005. He is, without doubt, the single greatest influence on my life which, in retrospect, could be considered rather worrying. :P Joking aside, we had some great, and some random times. Like all friends, we fell out at times, and in the last few months before he left we started to grow apart, but I owe a lot to him, and he was one of two people who I would have trusted with anything.

The other person? You guessed it. I’m starting to see a pattern emerging here. :think:

But this time, things were different. For a start, there was over an eleven (assuming that I can count :huh:) year age difference (which she didn’t know at first). Despite everything, we managed to forge a friendship.

Then I told her that I had fallen for her and it is at that point, in my opinion, that the fate was sealed. Who the hell falls for a married woman, and then tells her that you’ve fallen for her? :blink:

What happened between then and now is irrelevant, at the beginning of May she told me she was pregnant, and last week I e-mailed her to say goodbye. And the end result? Me feeling alone, and regretting that I ever said anything, and wishing I hadn’t said goodbye.

On a related note, my parents have been going on at me since before I finished school about my future. My mum wants me to get out to work, and my dad wants me to attend university. All I want at the moment is to spend as much of the summer without thinking about it. Up until last year, I wanted to go to uni and study Computer Studies. This year though, I’ve just got so tired of studying that I decided that 13 years of education was more than enough for me at the moment, and I can’t help but feel that he was disappointed when I told him that I wasn’t applying to university this year. I’m sure they’ll both be overjoyed if I told them that all I want is a family. :rolleyes:

There are so many questions going through my head at the moment: Is there any more I could have done? Should I have done anything differently? And the one that has been playing on my mind for months: Is it possible to fall in love with somebody who you’ve never met? :unsure:

In any case, I guess this is just destined to become another life long regret, of which I already have a fair few… :hmm: